Insanity: East and West Buffet
by Reyna-Mirai
Summary: After another world "meeting", Alfred decided to bring all of the nations to a large buffet restaurant called "East and West" for dinner. What would happen if someone looped one song on the jukebox for many times? Can Lukas hold his composure in front of his brother? Surely, no one is safe from the insanity of a looping song. Based on John Mulaney's Salt and Pepper comedy bit.


Another world meeting, another moment of nothing.

Alfred says something ridiculous, Arthur criticises him, Kiku just agrees with whatever the American said, Basch threatens to hit him with his Peace Prize (How ironic), Ludwig attempts to shut everyone up, and Feliciano just ends it with pasta.

Its the same every time.

Like I could give a damn about their banter, I have other problems to deal with. Stupid Matthias is still out cold from last night's drinking binge, Tino trying to endure Berwald's creepy stare and atmosphere…

Then there's my little brother, Emil.

Out of every single person in this room, Emil is the one I care about the most. He's my little brother, and I truly love him. If anyone tries to hurt him, they'll have to answer to me first.

Since he is sitting next to me, I can easily see his annoyed face. I know he's trying to act like an adult by looking mean and angry, but I think he's just pouting like a little child.

Most of all though, he looks deep in thought.

Boredom is kicking in me, so I poked his exposed cheek a few times. He swatted my hand away and he looked at me clearly annoyed.

"What's the big deal, Lukas?" Emil tried to remain composed, "If you want to annoy someone, then annoy that Dane."

"I would rather throw him out the window."

Did I mention that this meeting room is in the 25th floor of a skyscraper?

Emil breathed out a sigh, "What do you want?"

"Are you thinking of something?"

"I asked you first."

"I'm older than you."

"I asked first."

"You don't ask me in that scornful tone."

"Well don't ignore my question."

"You are testing my patience, Lukas…"

"I've been patient with you."

"Well you are forcing me!"

"Well I tried talking to you in the first place."

…

…

…

Silence. I won him over.

"Its getting pretty dark…" Emil finally spoke, "I was thinking of eating at a restaurant before going back to Iceland…"

I looked out the window behind me. The sun is starting to set here in Washington D.C, which means that this "meeting" should be wrapping up. Soon. Now.

"Hey its getting pretty dark…" I then heard Alfred slam down on the table which grabbed everyone's attention, "I know! I know this AMAZING buffet restaurant here in Washington that serves food of different cultures! Its called East and West buffet! We should ALL go there!"

Now that I have a moment of silence, I am getting pretty hungry…and for once, everyone in this room agrees with the American. I can even see Matthias lift his head up just to agree.

Not that I can complain or anything. How can all of us get hungry at the same time? I don't know, don't ask me.

* * *

It turns out that Alfred quickly reserved the whole restaurant for tonight. He must have planned this from the start…

Although to give the American some credit, this buffet restaurant is better than I expected. I always thought that Americans are so stuck in their own dimension that they forget that other countries exist. Alfred can't even remember his brother's name…um…who was it…? Matt? Will? Matthew? Yes, that must be Canada's human name.

After getting some food from the European section and some from the Asian section (As recommended by both Kiku and Yao), I sat down on a 6 seater table with the other nordics.

Minus Matthias.

"Where's that Dane?" I asked as I sat down next to Emil and across Berwald.

"He's talking to Alfred over at the grilled meat section." Berwald answered while cutting a steak to pieces, "I don't know what they are talking about."

With that, the 4 of us started to eat our food.

We just have the pleasure of having our table near the Axis powers. Feliciano not shutting up about pasta, and Lovino swearing non-stop about how the food here is not authentic cultured food. What in the world does he expect from an American restaurant serving food from different cultures? He should be happy that he's eating tomatoes at all. Ludwig and Kiku are enduring this and I'm sort of feeling sorry for them.

Francis, Gilbert, and Antonio are also a a table near us. The "Bad Touch Trio" as they called themselves, why do we have to be seated near that loud Prussian? Awesome this, awesome that…

Finally, there's the Allies. I know Arthur, and I can say that he's fine to have as a companion to talk about magic. I just need to brace myself for Alfred's loud eating habits. Luckily, Ivan is sitting with his sisters Katyusha and Natalya. If he is sitting with the Ukrainian only, then he wouldn't have to deal with that crazy Belarusian. Then again, that trio of siblings are weird.

While eating, I noticed Emil's plate. He certainly has a mixed variety, the most prominent being the Chinese food.

He noticed me looking at his food and he looked down to his place with a red face, "Y-Yao recommended the dumplings! I-I just felt like eating Asian…"

"Aw its ok Emil!" Tino said with a smile, "Chinese food is delicious alright! Look at my plate! I'm having Japanese!"

The Fin's plate is filled with sushi of different types, sashimi of different fishes…and tempura.

While we are at it, Berwald's plate is filled of meat from the grilled section. The T-bone steak looks excessively thick…

I'm mixed variety, but I'm more interested in Italian food for tonight. Maybe I should asked Feliciano to give me the recipe to his pastas someday…

I looked at Emil, "Its ok to try out different foods. Its more adventurous than you think, its a brave ordeal."

That seemed to calm him down and he continued eating without uttering another word. I smiled at him before resuming my eating time. Matthias came here with a plate full of seafood and he started to eat rather loudly.

That was when I noticed that the song playing throughout the restaurant is "What's New Pussycat" from Tom Jones.

This place has a jukebox for anyone to place in song requests. I was just wondering why anyone would request such an old song…?

Probably the nostalgia feeling.

Matthias stopped eating and gave us all that wide eye look, "Hey! Alfred gave me some good movie recommendations! We all should have a movie night in my place!"

"Sounds fun!" Tino nodded his head, "We should have a marathon, what do you guys think?"

"I'll go if Tino is going." Berwald single handedly made another weird atmosphere.

"I'll go if Emil/Lukas is going."

We both looked at each other, realising that we both spoke at the same. Some tension is created between us at this very moment, until Matthias decided to end it by saying:

"Then its settled! My place, movie marathon, on Saturday night!"

After settling on that random plan, I heard a song starting.

Its the same song again.

"Hm?" I heard Emil swallow his food, "Why's that obnoxious song playing again?"

"Mistake in the request maybe?" Matthias shrugged off the question like it was nothing.

While continuing the dinner, I noticed something different about the song. Did it…just get longer? No, impossible. Its the same song. Must be my head.

Soon the song ended. Then the same song started again.

"Huh? Three fucking times?" I heard Lovino say out loud, "Did someone just request this song to play for three fucking times?!"

"It must be a mistake on the behalf of the requester." Kiku calmly replied, "All we can do is wait for it to end."

I can hear grunts from the Axis table, and the single grunt of Emil.

Once the song ended, I felt a small frame of relief in my head.

…

…

…

That was until the song played again for the 4th time.

"Who the _bloody_ hell requested this song on loop?!" I can hear the Brit's anger raging over, "This cannot be a mistake of the requester, someone explicitly requested this song to play over and over!"

"Dude, calm down! Who knows?" Alfred tried to calm the raging Brit, "It must have been a mistake!"

"Mistake my ARSE." Arthur angrily replied, "Nobody is leaving this restaurant until the culprit has been found!"

Soon, dinner at the buffet turned into chaos. With the looping song from the jukebox, everyone is starting to lose their heads.

Frustrated looks, angry arguments, trust issues, those playing detective to find the culprit…

The obnoxious tables by us started to be even MORE obnoxious. Lovino's swears became louder and louder but not enough to drown out the song. Ludwig is getting more and more irritated with each second. Feliciano looks like he's a victim of a horror story and is weeping for help. Even Kiku is starting to lose it, he's covering his ears with such a cowardly expression.

Francis is lamenting about the repetition of the song just being stuck in his head, and Gilbert is pounding the table in a futile attempt to drown out the song. Antonio has the job of calming those two down.

Alfred, while he may be the biggest suspect, looks genuinely annoyed with the repetition. Arthur is looking around to see is anyone has any suspicious behaviour (Since the culprit must have got a kick out of this). Yao is…let's say that he's restraining himself from chopping the table in half.

My table is not spared of this insanity. Its possible for Berwald's scary atmosphere to raise up to the whole roof. Tino is failing miserably to endure this and is now weeping for help. Matthias is trying to calm Tino down.

Me? My face is as calm as always…a facade. I'm extremely irritated by this point, the song is making ME insane. I want to cast a torturous spell on that culprit.

Why am I not showing it? I need to remain strong. I'm a former viking, something like this shouldn't annoy me…

Fine, truth is, I don't want Emil to see me so angry and annoyed…again. I won't forget that expression that Emil made when he's so small…that expression made my heart twist in unbelievable ways.

"Everyone's going insane." I heard Emil comment on the situation, "I'm going to find the culprit and kill him."

"Hush little brother. There's no need killing." I placed a hand on his shoulder, "Torture should be the right action."

"Huh? You of all people are annoyed at this?" He looked at me with a shocked expression on his face, "You look calm as always! How can you remain composed in this fucked up situation?!"

"First of all, I don't want to hear any swearing out of that mouth of yours." Emil snorted at my comment, "Second, I don't want to show you how angry I get…I don't want to show you that face again."

"Huh? You mean that time where you scolded me harshly for running outside without telling you?" Emil's eyes widened, "I-I wasn't scared of you…I was scared of what I've done to anger you."

He looked away from me and down to the table. I…never knew that he was just afraid of himself at that time.

Seems like this predicament is bringing out the truth out of me and Emil.

"But uh…" Emil spoke again, this time looking at me, "Thanks for…telling me how you feel. I've always wondered what's under that emotionless shell of yours."

"Anytime little brother." I tussled his hair, "Now, call me big brother."

"Not the RIGHT TIME LUKAS!" He then proceeded to cover his ears, "This song is going to kill me!"

Speaking of that song, this is its 7th loop. Once the song ended, the silence became longer than usual…

The song's tune changed…and its Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual".

What came after is the biggest sounding sigh of relief I have ever heard. Sounds like everyone finally calmed down after that ordeal. We can finally continue dinner in peace.

When the song ended…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

...

...

...

 _What's new, Pussycat?_

 _Whoa, whoa_

 _What's new, Pussycat?_

 _Whoa, whoa_

"Oh GOD _FUCKING_ **_DAMMIT!_** " Loving yelled out his loudest swear so far.

"GOTT VERDAMMT!" Both Ludwig and Gilbert yelled in unison.

I stood up sharply, "I'm going to shut down that _fucking_ jukebox." I didn't care that I swore, enough is enough. My faced started to visibly show anger and my hands turned into fists.

"I'm coming with you." Emil, my beloved little brother, joining me in my way of destroying that jukebox.

"Destroy that thing already! I don't care, just DESTROY IT!" Alfred yelled out. Emil and I nodded to him before heading our way to the Jukebox by the entrance of the restaurant.

Once we both reached there, Emil immediately unplugged the machine from its socket. Another loud sigh is heard throughout the whole restaurant. We both then carried the heavy jukebox and threw it to the dumpster nearby.

We both hi-fived at that accomplishment.

Silence has never been so beautiful.

* * *

Later tonight at the hotel, Emil and I have the privilege of staying in one hotel room. It was mostly silence as we needed to heal ourselves from that song.

"You know, we never found out who placed that song in loop." Emil broke the silence, "They are wise to keep quiet. Who knows what kind of torture everyone will put the culprit through."

"Its for the best." I jumped myself to one of the single beds, "We were tortured by listening to that song on loop. The culprit should get his just desserts."

"But who knew that a situation like THAT can get your emotions riled up at the end? Even if its just a small moment." He smiled at me, "Its…nice to see you have emotions. I thought my brother is a Norwegian robot."

"Very funny. I thought my brother is an Icelandic hot air balloon." This then reminded me of something, "Call me big brother."

"You have to try harder than that."

"Big brother."

"Nope."

"Big brother."

"Can't hear you."

"Big sister."

"You are a guy."

"I'm your big brother who loves you very much and I would do anything to protect you."

…

…

"My big brother is annoying, but he shows himself to me."

"There we go." I stood up from the bed and headed over to Emil's bed to tussle his hair. I then reached for the tv remote and opened the tv.

…

…

 _…_ _Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling_

 _And I'm so willing_

 _To care for you._

I immediately threw the tv out of the window.

* * *

Writer's block is killing me. After listening to John Mulaney's The Salt and Pepper Diner comedy bit, I got this stupid idea. Don't worry, I'll get to my other story soon!

So uh, review if you want to say something!

Disclaimer, Tom Jones owns the songs featured in this story.


End file.
